Rambles of an Anxious 19 year old.

That constant feeling of being overwhelmed. The need to think multiple times about what you want to say and then you finally choose the right words but it’s no longer relevant. Having thoughts running through your head at what feels like 100 miles a minute. Going from thinking a conversation is going well and believing you can be ok around other humans, then hearing them exhale slightly heavier and think they’re sighing at you. Suddenly you realise their obviously fed up with you and hate you and that you’re so beneath them that they shouldn’t be seen talking to you.

That meltdown you have every time before you go out to try and be social, because you look disgusting in every outfit you try on, even though you felt amazing when you tried them on in store.  When you finally find something to wear that doesn’t make you completely hate yourself and then you meet up with your friends and realise how you’re the ugliest in the group. You try to work out what you could add the conversation without sounding like a complete idiot. Then the paranoia hits and you just know that everyone in the room is judging you. You know they’ll judge you for being too quiet so you start talking and instantly realise it doesn’t make sense and regret ever saying anything because now they’re judging you even more.

Having work to do but being so conscious about doing it right that you get so scared of doing it wrong because you know everyone else’s will be better than yours anyway. You’ll obviously fail so why try? You keep delaying it and procrastinating, but then the amount of work builds up and it becomes this terrifying thing that you shove to the back of your mind for another day. And when that day comes that you feel brave enough to attempt to do some, that hatred of your work come crawling back as you do more and more until finally you have to stop because it’s all just too much.

All of these thoughts racing through your mind and then your heartbeat follows. So fast and harsh that it feels like it will leap out of your chest at any second. You start trying to slow it down by focusing on your breathing but you’re already in panic mode and if you don’t act quick you’re going to start hyperventilating. You try to distract yourself with anything. Checking your phone and social media to try and calm your thoughts. You binge watch those episodes on Netflix to try and escape your mind and yourself. Twiddling with your thumbs and picking at the skin until it bleeds, anything to calm you down. Anything.

Sleep. Sleeping is one of the hardest things to do when your thoughts are going at 100 miles a minute. Breaking down in tears because all you want to do is shut off your brain for a few hours so you can have a break, but your thoughts won’t let you. Lying next to the love of your life, but your thoughts make you feel so alone that you start sobbing next to their sleeping body. Torn between hoping you don’t wake them up because you don’t want your episode to disturb them, and hoping they wake up so they can hold you and tell you they love you. After finally getting some sleep, you wake up feeling absolutely exhausted from all the effort of trying to feel ok. You often end up trying to sleep for longer to escape it all and then feel guilty about wasting most of your day because at the back of your mind you know the long list of things you need to do that day.

You need reassurance from your friends and loved ones that they don’t hate you and don’t think you’re the worst person in the world. But you hold such high expectations of them and hope that they will just know to remind you they love you every day. Then you feel crushed when they don’t even though you’ve been too scared to tell them that’s what you need them to do so you don’t feel alone. Being so in love with your partner and knowing they love you too, but if they don’t reply to your text within 10 minutes you start creating scenarios about why they haven’t replied yet, each one worse than before. After 30 minutes, it’s obvious to you that they’re cheating on you because you weren’t good enough for them and before you know it they’ll reply with ‘we need to talk’. All the while they’re actually just too busy at work to message you right now, but they will as soon as they can.

Anxiety affects everyone differently but its still a horrible thing for anyone to experience, even briefly. In 2013, there were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the UK alone. Most the time, all of this is happening underneath the surface and you can’t actual see if someone is suffering or not. If you are someone who struggles with anxiety or any form of mental illness, please get help. Whether that be going to counselling, talking to friend, or even reading a self-help book. Reach out. I know it might feel hard to do right now but there are many techniques that can help, you just need to find yours.  To everyone else, please educate yourself. Chances are you someone you know is struggling and you never know who could need your help.

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